[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Still a very good boi….
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.