Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
This is the best one I’ve seen
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends