Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable