Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.