My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”