If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.