KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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That’s it.I’m out.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Meow
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Science memes
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Botany good plants lately?