I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh