learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The answer is funnier than the question
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
#Caturday
How to wake up a Beagle
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?