6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?