If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
#growingpains
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year