My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
catch me on valentine’s day like
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.