my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Introverted vegans go meetless
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.