If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit