Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.