My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.