I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I am a gravy boat captain
The Joker was right
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.