Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Breaking news:
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.