Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
S M O L
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle