How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
How to properly lift a body
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”