I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
You Might Also Like
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.