Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.