I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
s
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE