2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
reviewed some movies recently
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
But is it really??
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.