I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
#Caturday
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.