I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea