Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.