Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”