A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*