The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe