NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Is it even the holidays if you don鈥檛 have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*writing r茅sum茅*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My dad is at it again
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 馃
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn鈥檛, you鈥檇 be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I鈥檓 just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers