A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Not😆🤣
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
calling in to work dehydrated
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.