Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
They’re called werewolves.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.