My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*