People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
fair
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it