i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.