Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Actually cracking up @ this
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.