You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.