Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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thank god the sign was there
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Hot Hot Hot
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.