[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
choose your fighter
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.