My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after