You Might Also Like
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Chicken bread
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you