Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
there has never been a better use of this meme
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
What
WHO DID THIS?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”