I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor