Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.