Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo