People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
When I snag the last meatball.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!