O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.