wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
What about second breakfast?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.