This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”